Things I have learnt recently

1. That Phoebe really misses my posts, although she's not a follower (come on, Phoebe. Make me up to 128). So this is for her.

2. That marrying off my youngest son is both wonderful and emotional (I'm not his next of kin any more, although he has a wonderful new wife who has taken over the job. I'm not being a creep here as none of my family read my blog, apart from Phoebe).

3. That applying nail varnish to the eyelashes ( having confused it with eyelash stuff) is an exeptionally bad idea. Think about it.

4. That the best way to find unswept-up fragments of broken glass is to walk about with bare feet, and voila! There they all are!

5. That we need more sticking plaster ( see 4 above).

6. That I haven't got any more things done since cutting down on the blog (so what exactly HAVE I done? ).

7. That there are bee orchids on the downs where I ride. I've seen every other sort, but bee orchids only this year. They are truly beautiful.

8. That my daughter really is a domestic goddess. Sadly, she doesn't get it from me.

9. Something I haven't learned yet: what exactly do those gangly spindly spiders that live in sheds eat? We have lots (of spiders, not sheds), and they just dangle there, waiting. Come on, spiders. Even I can see there are NO FLIES. Ours is a no fly zone. What exactly are you all waiting for? Please go away ( I never kill spiders. I just Hoover up the webs. Making new ones gives them something to do).

Open letter to an optician

Dear Mr. Smithers*

You're probably a busy man, and may even be a little bored, but can I make a few suggestions?

Firstly, you are supposed to put me at my ease, not the other way round. Chat, talk about the weather; anything but that dour professional silence. I'm on your territory, so it's your job to make me feel at home.

Now I know I'm not the most hilariously amusing person you've ever come across, but humour me. When I try to crack a little joke or make some merry quip (I do this to put myself at ease, since you're obviously not going to), at least smile. Come on, now. It wouldn't hurt you,would it? The receptionists laughed heartily when I was filling in that form without my glasses, and said I needed my eyes testing. That wasn't funny, either, but they humoured me. I like your receptionists.

When I ask whether I'm safe to drive, instead of going all po-faced and telling me I'm legal, but you 'can't possibly say that I'm safe', explain yourself. I know you're covering your back, but a little more information would be nice.

Don't puff that thing at my eyeballs. I don't like it. It makes me jump.

And don't turn your nose up at my Amazon off-the-peg glasses. They work just  fine.

Lastly, had you ever though if being, say, a chartered accountant? I think it would suit you better than your present calling.

Your reproachfully etc.etc.

PS Your parting shot was that you'd see me in two years. Well, not if I see you first, you won't. Next time, I'm going to Specsavers.

*Not  your real name. But then, you know that.

A fashion post

While out shopping with my daughter, we found this. Now like the Chinese painted quail, this begs several questions, the main one being, WHY? What are the appendages for, exactly? (Access is from the inside.)

Here are some suggestions:

1. Long, droopy boobs (obviously). Being wool, they would be kept nice and warm, but retain their characteristic droop.

2. To keep a spare pair of socks. One in each pocket.

3. Newborn twins (though they might suffocate).

4. Your packed lunch.

5. Kittens. People like kittens.

6. In fact anything else you want to keep about your person.

So it (they) could be useful. But attractive? Well, judge for yourself. And guess what. It was in the sale, so the buying public do have some sense. Phew.

(Any ideas/suggestions welcome. I really am bewildered.)

There's always someone worse off...

This is a Chinese painted quail (you see? You're riveted already; admit it). This bird spends most of its time on the ground, which is just as well, since when it takes off, it flies in a straight line until it bumps into something.

This poses one or two interesting questions, the major one being: if this bird is only capable of flying in a straight line, why is it not obsolete? After all, there are only so many times you can bump into things (while flying) without sustaining fatal injuries. Even the dodo didn't fly into things, and look what happened to that.

There. You've learnt something today, haven't you? And I haven't even mentioned the R word.

 You're welcome.

Totally blown away by...

...Gone with the Wind. I read it many years ago, and forgot it all, so I've come back to it fresh. It is a riveting, astonishing, wonderful marathon of a book. I've lived, breathed and dreamed it since starting it nearly three weeks ago (it's very, very long), and will be bereft when I finish it (soon). If you've never read it (and most people I've spoken to say "I've seen the film, but..."), you have a treat in store. It is one of the most amazing books I have ever read, and I think it must rank as one of the best novels ever written (and yes, I have read War and Peace).

I'm already grieving for it, for the end is in sight. Whatever can I read next that will come anywhere near it?

This one's for Adrian

Come on, Adrian. You can make one of these...can't you (works better if you look to one side)? As for me, I don't begin to understand it.

Now, back to work.

To a dead badger

TODAY I SAW ANOTHER DEAD  BADGER

I want to see a badger that's not dead;
Not tossed to the roadside by a passing car;
Not flattened by tyres or eaten by carrion crows.
I want to see a badger that's not dead.

I want to see a badger that's not dead.
A badger nosing and snuffling among the leaves;
A badger busy doing badgery things.
I want to see a badger that's not dead.

I want to see a badger that's not dead.
A badger digging with great horny hands;
Upturning stones and rocks and chalk and soil.
I want to see a badger that's not dead.

I want to see a badger that's not dead.
A living  badger, leading its badgerly life;
A badger playing badger games in moonlight.
I want to see a badger that's not dead.

I've never seen a badger that's not dead.