Thursday 7 July 2016

Open letter to an optician

Dear Mr. Smithers*

You're probably a busy man, and may even be a little bored, but can I make a few suggestions?

Firstly, you are supposed to put me at my ease, not the other way round. Chat, talk about the weather; anything but that dour professional silence. I'm on your territory, so it's your job to make me feel at home.

Now I know I'm not the most hilariously amusing person you've ever come across, but humour me. When I try to crack a little joke or make some merry quip (I do this to put myself at ease, since you're obviously not going to), at least smile. Come on, now. It wouldn't hurt you,would it? The receptionists laughed heartily when I was filling in that form without my glasses, and said I needed my eyes testing. That wasn't funny, either, but they humoured me. I like your receptionists.

When I ask whether I'm safe to drive, instead of going all po-faced and telling me I'm legal, but you 'can't possibly say that I'm safe', explain yourself. I know you're covering your back, but a little more information would be nice.

Don't puff that thing at my eyeballs. I don't like it. It makes me jump.

And don't turn your nose up at my Amazon off-the-peg glasses. They work just  fine.

Lastly, had you ever though if being, say, a chartered accountant? I think it would suit you better than your present calling.

Your reproachfully etc.etc.

PS Your parting shot was that you'd see me in two years. Well, not if I see you first, you won't. Next time, I'm going to Specsavers.

*Not  your real name. But then, you know that.

15 comments:

  1. I think he is par for an optician. The girl selling frames is the one to watch she is a crook.

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    1. Adrian can I just ask if you have ever said anything pleasant about anyone?

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    2. I haven't bought the frames yet. I'm still sulking, Adrian.

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  2. I wonder when he said "I'll see you in two years" whether he silently added "and not a day sooner, I hope". Must be hard work keeping a straight face when a customer tries their best to create a relaxed, fun-filled atmosphere.
    Party on, I say!

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    1. I did, Meike. But it all fell on stony ground.

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  3. Please can I borrow your letter for my dentist?

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  4. A nice optician is important because that eye puff is horrendous. I had to have extensive eye investigations at Moorfields Eye Hospital A&E after a problem (fortunately all was well) and they did all manner of hideous things like actually touching the surface of my eye with a nasty machine. I had the nicest nurse who was very patient and lovely but I'm still a bit traumatized!

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  5. Am I the only person in the universe who actually rather likes that eye-puff thing?

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    1. Almost certainly yes. Are you into bondage, too?

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  6. You should come to the Outer Hebrides for your next test. The optician I go to in Stornoway is not only pleasant (and would laugh at your jokes I'm sure) but is very thorough (my appointment takes about an hour). A friend travels from France to consult him so Devizes would be a breeze.

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    1. Graham, I would LOVE to come to the Outer Hebrides for an eye test, but I'm not sure it's really doable.

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  7. You might find that a new optician has more up to date equipment, and doesn't use the " puffer" any more. Our optician hasn't used it for several visits now! ( Can't remember how they do it, but it doesn't make you jump!)

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    1. Frances, I know someone once used a different device. I mentioned it to Mr. Smithers, who said I was wrong. Of course.

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