Thursday 9 November 2017

The hell that is children's parties



Watching the BBC's very funny series, Motherland, I was put in mind of my own experience of giving children's parties. And there were many. Among other things, I learnt never to:

1. Give a party that lasts more than an hour and a half (if the invitation says "2pm - 5.30pm, the mummy concerned is a beginner. She won't make that mistake again). 

2. Invite the naughtiest boy in the class. I know, I know. It's cruel to leave one child out, but by the time he's opened all the presents and trashed the cake, you'll see what I mean. And that leads me to:

3. Invite the whole class. Unless you live in an unbreakable castle, with sturdy ramparts and electric fencing round the moat, the whole class will be TOO MANY.

4. Invite the parents in with the children. They won't help; they'll stand round gossiping and expect tea, and probably wine. Plus, they'll see what a hash you're making of things, and you won't be able to shout at their child.

5. Leave the doors unlocked. At one memorable party, about ten little girls danced out into the garden and disappeared.

6. Let small guests into bedrooms. My daughter was mortified when a bevy of small boys broke into her bedroom and trashed it.

7. Admittedly this is unlikely to happen, but don't  let the birthday child make a speech. At one party, my youngest son decided to stand on a chair and give a vote of (undeserved) thanks to me. He was promptly heckled, and reduced to tears.

8. Encourage your child to request a cake in the shape of something (Batman, a fairy castle, Barbie's horse etc). Tell him or her the the best cakes come in the shape of a cake. I have in my time made cakes in the shapes of, among other things, various animals, a farm, a truck etc. This takes hours, and the results invariably taste horrible.

9. And finally, don't give another party if you can help it. Ask your child to invite one civilised and well-behaved friend and take them both to the zoo, the cinema, Macdonalds - anywhere but your home. Your child won't get as many presents, it's true, but he or she is unlikely to end up in tears. And he'll have a calm, happy parent. Which, as we all know, is the thing every child needs most 😀

13 comments:

  1. My mum used to have our birthday parties in a hay barn. I don't recall her attending herself, but she always made a cake shaped cake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Patsy, your mum sounds exactly my kind of person. Brilliant ideas - barn, sensible cake, no adult supervision.,what's not to like? (And who supplied the matches?)

      Delete
  2. I never did any of those things, but still dreaded the inevitable parties. I can happily watch the grandchildren now without any of the responsibility.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, Maggie. But mine have bouncy castles and all the things we couldn't afford!

      Delete
  3. As I do not have children, my experiences with children's parties are all about my own, my sister's and our friends' parties. They were all great, but I guess they meant a LOT of work for our mothers, especially when they were working, too, like our Mum did.
    Cakes were always cake-shaped!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meike, I never did get away with a cake-shaped cake. I'd like to do serious damage to the person who decided that cakes should be anything but!

      Delete
  4. Oh, how that brought back the memories. I hated hosting children’s parties and very soon moved onto the ‘treat’. My worst experience was the magician who got irritated when the children wouldn’t sit still.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wendy, in the early days, we couldn't afford magicians, and had to make do with pass the parcel etc. The games somehow never even began to fill the time allotted to them (and tea was invariably over in five minutes). How glad I am to be done with all that!

      Delete
  5. Reminds me of parties I used to do for my own children, Frances. Now with a five year old granddaughter, I've discovered parties tend to be held somewhere rather than a house (great idea) and they do invite the whole class! The one I had to endure for 2 hours in a hall was good fun but the most noise came from the loud strident voice of the female entertainer trying to be heard!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, this inviting the while class thing is a wonderful idea. In theory. Hm. But I'm glad you enjoyed it, Rosemary.

      Delete
  6. I made the mistake of inviting the naughtiest child because my daughter insisted he would make the party fun. A sensible mother warned me he would bring a small weapon. It turned out to be a five-feet-long sword with flashing lights, which caused mayhem in our very small cottage and consternation to our very timid cats. Never again...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Joanna, I stood one naughtiest child on a chair, and told him to stay there or else. He stood like a blond drooping angel, tears running down his cheeks. But I stuck to my guns. He was a total horror!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hated parties as a child (mine or anyone else's). Fortunately Mum didn't force them on me. I still dislike big parties. I think the last one I went to was in the late '70s.

    ReplyDelete