Sunday, 12 August 2018

The complicated way to close a window

1 Make sure it’s a recalcitrant sash window. This is important.
2 For this to work, it has to be the lower half that needs closing.
3 Place your fingers over the edge of the window, and push down. You may need to push hard.
4 If you do this properly, your fingers will now be firmly jammed between the two edges of window. This will hurt. A lot.
5 Phone* the neighbours, who need to be out for this to work.
6 Phone the fire brigade.
7 Wait. This will also hurt. Try not to cry (I’m afraid I cried).
8 After a while, two burly firemen will arrive. With a fire engine. Although they don’t need the fire engine.
9 They will release the trapped fingers.
10 Voila! The window is now closed.

*you will need an accomplice for this, unless you have a phone on you.


13 comments:

  1. Ouch. (Lucky for me I won't be able to follow these instructions, because we don't have that kind of windows here...) Hope the adventure didn't result in long-lasting damage to your poor fingers?

    If it cheers you up, I'm reading your recently published book now, and enjoying it. I've got as far as the hen house... (That's all I'll say for now as I don't want to spoil anything for other readers!)




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    1. That has cheered me up. Thank you, DT!

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  2. What came first? The sash window or the mallet. Always keep a mallet handy if you have sash windows. Have you seen the size of the weights in them. It's a brave person who sticks their head out of one. I guess they wouldn't have sold many had they called them guillotine windows. How we laughed when my father got his neck trapped in one....A highlight of my childhood.

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    1. That sounds like one grim childhood, Adrian!

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    2. I enjoyed it.
      My dad was a little accident prone. He once set fire to his trousers with an oxy/acetylene torch. I put him out but still thought it funny.
      Unfortunately I inherited his total disregard for personal safety. I am better at it and chose a helicopter to squash me. A very upmarket instrument of stupidity.

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  3. Ouch. I don't understand the kind of window that your describe so when I am in England, I will ask someone else to close a window.
    Such a good post, you should be a writer. Oh wait! :-)

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    1. Kay, this is where you need Google. Sash windows are fine unless they’re old. Ours are old...

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  4. No sash windows in this country, but I can give your method a try in October - our cottage in Ripon has them :-)
    On second thought, I think I'll keep my fingers safe without the help of burly fire men...

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    1. Trust me, Meike. It’s not worth it,even for the burly firemen (who only stayed a few minutes 😩).

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  5. Your poor fingers...how are they? Were the fireman gorgeous? They usually are, or perhaps you couldn't see them through your tears?
    I have the new book on the kindle app but not started it yet. Half way through another book.....about a toddler who was " stolen" on a ferry from Ireland to England as the mother was falling down drunk and the other woman desperate to replace the baby she lost.

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    1. Thank you, Frances. My fingers are much better. And I didn’t really have time to appreciate the firemen, who disappeared as soon as they’d finished. In fact, today I’m feeling very silly...

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  6. Now, if there were just a way to get some burly firemen to come 'round without having to sacrifice digits.... *evil grin*

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    1. There isn’t, Mrs.S. Although we did once get some round because our chimney was smelling of fish. Don’t ask!

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