Monday, 9 December 2013

A bah humbug Christmas post


I think Christmas would be much improved if:

1. It came once every five years...
2. ....and lasted just three or four hours.
3. All the turkeys were released into the wild, and we could have beef instead.
4. Christmas puddings were set on fire and then left to incinerate.
5. Ditto mince pies.
6. And mulled wine. Mulling good wine spoils it, and mulled bad wine remains...bad wine.
7. Everything came WITH batteries (even the things that don't need batteries; just to be sure).
8. Pretty calendars and smelly candles went straight to Oxfam, without taking the scenic tour via me.
9. Someone somewhere would tell me how/where to store all the cardboard packaging we have accumulated through my obsessive on-line shopping. Re-cycling day was today, and already we are snowed (cardboarded) under.
10. Someone would help me re-package all my shopping mistakes, and take my place in the queue at the post office to post them back.
11. Anyone asking the question "are you ready for Christmas yet?" was trussed up like the above-mentioned turkey, and publicly shamed.
12. Ditto anyone who says "it's all about the children, isn't it?" No, it's not. It's all about ME.

32 comments:

  1. One of THE best posts that I have never written but wish that I had!

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    1. I'm letting it all flow over me this year. The vodka helps.

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  2. Here's an idea - just give everyone batteries.

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  3. Could you change No 1 to 'If it didn't exist!'.

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  4. Oh, Frances, just what I needed. The blog I read before yours had me on the verge of tears, and now I'm laughing.
    But I don't think domestic turkeys could survive in the wild (maybe in Britain they could, but not here in Canada) and so many people don't eat beef, they just beef about people who serve it.
    A priceless write and perfect for the season as it has become.
    K

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    1. I'm so glad to,have cheered you up, Kay!

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  5. Hmmm... not in agreement with you on these, Frances, because
    1. the rush would be even worse once every 5 years (think of the hype made about the Olympic every 4 years!)
    2. that would be even more stressful because more condensed
    3. have whatever you like for Christmas - who says it has to be turkey? I'd be happy with a cheese sarnie.
    4. not keen on them anyway, but who likes them is welcome to them
    5. see # 4
    6. see # 4
    7. yes to that!
    8. see # 7
    9. see # 7. My cellar is full of cardboard boxes which do come in useful when I send something by mail, or if I should ever move out of here (which I don't think I will), but nobody needs THAT many boxes, do they?
    10. now there's an idea for someone seeking employment: offer their service as repacker and poster of shopping mistakes!
    11. just yell NO at them, they won't ask again.
    12. Indeed, it has nothing to do with children. I don't have children, and I love Christmas; my sister does not have children, and she hates Christmas.

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    1. Meike I love your practical and considered approach to everything.

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    2. The thoughtful considered reply I expected from you, Meike!

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  6. No 13. Men do not have presents bought for them…by law! ( I have 3 grown up sons and a husband!!)

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    1. I have the same (plus a daughter, but daughters are easier. Usually...)

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  7. My husband would agree with all of these, except maybe number 13 and the 'me' part of 12! He's a genuine Christmas humbug until the food is served on the day itself.

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    1. Number 13? Have I missed something?

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    2. The No 13 from the other Frances (above!) - thought it was you who had added another at first.

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  8. Come on Frances, cheer up! The real meaning of Christmas has been lost, and according to Archbishop Welby, Christianity will be dead here within the next generation. The celebrations of glitter will still endure because people have to have an excuse to revel, because they really don't care about anything else. A visit to church may change your feelings. Merry Christmas.

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    1. Fanny, I shall spend a lot of the next couple of weeks in church. You see - I'm full of surprises (or like to think I am...)

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  9. I agree with everything apart from the mince pies. And No.11 would mean bad news for my mum.

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    1. Then it's up,to you to educate her, Keith.

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  10. Interestingly, this humble post has attracted no less than 366 hits in less than 24 hours. Not sure what that means, though, except that it makes it my most popular post ever.

    Hmmm.

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  11. I would prefer it to happen less often and last a shorter time, but I'd still like to eat the pudding and pies every year.

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    1. Ah, but then you'd be,the size of a house, Patsy. Ad we wouldnt want that, would we? (Excuse misprints. IPad refuses to rectify.)

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  12. Frances... your reply awaits you on my blog!

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  13. I'd suggest either going abroad for Christmas - somewhere that doesn't celebrate it, or just pretend you are!

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  14. Why stop there? - let's have mince pies supplied with batteries, packaging released into the wild, children trussed up and publicly shamed and the post office set on fire!

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    1. Brilliant! I bet someone's already thought of the battery operated mince pies, though, as one of those awful unfunny useless Christmas presents.

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  15. That's the perfect Christmas post, Frances, and I agree with it all! xx

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