Wednesday, 10 October 2012

The world's gone mad. Again.

In today's paper is an account of a woman who was "successfully prosecuted" by the RSPCA.

What had she done? Boiled puppies? Put the hamster in the microwave? Ridden a goat to work? No. All she had done was misguidedly given her cat, who was in pain, a quarter of a paracetamol tablet. The cat, apparently unable to metabolise the drag, died.

This poor woman, who was only trying to relieve her pet, had to undergo the trauma of a trial, pay £280 costs, and be given a "two year conditional discharge". And this in a country where we still keep battery chickens, and send animals abroad for slaughter in appalling conditions. Legally.

A few years ago, one of my sons was knocked off his motorbike by a driver going through red traffic lights. He suffed a compound fracture of the leg, had to have two operations, and still has a metal pin in his leg. And the driver? Her fine wasn't much more than the cat-owner had to pay, and she had just five points on her licence.

Isn't it good to know that we have sound priorities in this country of ours?

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

New fridge

We have a new fridge. Exciting, or what? Yes. Exciting. Because it's shiny and clean, with no horrible wilting vegetables or bits of things I've forgotten about. So. New fridge; new resolutions:

DO
Keep enough milk
Ditto beer (for visiting sons)
Spare butter (but only one)
Ditto marge
Maintain stock of small Coca Cola bottles (I can't stand it. My grandchildren can)
Keep a few eggs.

DO NOT
Hoard tiny amounts of leftovers, and only throw them away when they have grown green fur. I know they will grow green fur, and soon. I know all about green fur; I have in my time grown acres of the stuff. So why wait?
Keep spare egg yolks, in case I feel like making mayonnaise. I won't make mayonnaise. I haven't made it for years. Meanwhile, the yolks gradually harden, then crack, and are impossible to prise out of their container.
Keep a fragment of cauliflower/cabbage or similar. It's not enough to use, and it will grow green fur (see above)
Keep carrots if I can bend them. Carrots that bend are a Bad Thing, and I won't be using them.
Keep a quarter of a bottle of tonic water. It will go flat. In fact, it's probably already flat. Flat tonic water is horrible.
Hoard cheese, unless there's enough of it underneath the green fur to make it worth scraping clean. I have an enormous hunk of Parmesan that has to be scraped regularly.

There. I can't wait to get started

Friday, 5 October 2012

High spirits

They say drinking gin
Is a sin.
And whiskey can make you
Quite frisky..
But nothing rhymes
With vodka.

(Just practising)

Thursday, 4 October 2012

National Poetry Day

Today is apparently
National Poetry Day.
I am not a poet.
I cannot write of views and sunsets
Or pen a little ode to love.
But I can write the kind of thing
That looks like a poem, but isn't.
Like this.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Proud mum

My lovely daughter (who was originally a nurse and is the busy mum of triplets) is presenting (again) on the QVC shopping channel at 8pm tonight. And while she says "oh, Mum! It's not  a big deal!", I think it is, because never in a million years could I imagine being able to sell shoes on TV. So do have a look at her if you can, because not only is she a wonderful daughter, but she is kind and funny and....well, she's mine!

PS you might even want to buy the shoes...?

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

My lovely male genes

Well, here's some good news. Apparently if you are a woman who has borne sons (I have three), some of the male genes cross over and lodge themselves in the brain. We're not talking hormones here. I shan't be trimming my beard and saying farewell to my boobs (which suckled said sons). But I should be able to dismantle the car, not listen, lose my socks. That kind of thing.

Well, I think this is all bo****ks. Not only do I know exactly where my socks are, but I've just totally failed to instal a new and apparently simple phone. (Husband has also failed, but he's not well, so he doesn't count at the moment). Our clever (male) neighbour is out, and lovely helpful James down the lane is busy (though he did say that his mum, who has four sons, doesn't appear to have any male genes either).

Oh, and the fridge has died.

It's been that kind of day.

Monday, 1 October 2012

Magpie 137



DISAPPOINTMENT

They found her body, fork in hand,
Beneath the window sill.
She'd said they didn't understand
That she'd been feeling ill.

And afterwards, there was much talk;
Who'd get the spoon? and who, a fork?
Alas, her friends are grieving still.
For Sally never left a Will.
 
(With thanks to Tess at Magipe Tales for the picture)