Tuesday, 25 September 2012

My new bestseller

Actually, my first bestseller, but no matter. This one can't fail.

First of all, my name. I have settled on Randy Trollope (I know there are already two, but you can't have too many Trollopes).

Book title: Fifty Glades for Fay.

This is the (very) erotic tale of a very randy (ha) wood-nymph, who has an affair with an equally randy centaur. They start of with a little foreplay; beatings and ticklings with twigs; that kind of thing. But they rapidly move towards the heavy stuff, so as not to bore the reader.

One of the "glades" is full of instruments of delighful S&M torture, and they make full use of these. They then move on through a succession of ever more exciting/sexy Glades, until they reach The Last Glade; a huge bed of moss and lichen (romantic, eh?). Here, they really get going, He adorns her**** with leaves and flowers, and she does the same to his *******. Then they rub ******s and insert twigs (these two are into twigs) into each other's *******s, and daub their *****s with mud and fircones. She screams. He groans. Ecstasy for both protagonists.

 But hold on. Do we hear the sound of hoofbeats?

Enter the anti-hero; a naked wizard (you have to have a wizard in the best of bestsellers), on horseback (the horse is my one indulgence),  with the biggest ***** Fay has ever seen, and his wand pointed directly towards her *****.  She gasps, and  suddenly, disaster! Because the wizard ....

But you'll have to read the book to find out what happens next..

What do you think?

28 comments:

  1. Oh! I'd snatch this one up in a flash and find a shady glade in which to devour it! So funny. Is there a way to post this as a review?? Hilarious satire.

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    1. You deserve a signed Copy, Yvonne! Unfortunately....

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  2. You are right, this one can't fail! Will you still be talking to us once you've become rich and famous?

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    1. Oh, I think so, Meike. I'm pretty broad minded.

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  3. Brilliant, Frances! A winner if ever I saw one :-) x

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  4. Daubing their ****s with fircones? Do you take us for credulous idiots??

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  5. My sides are splitting, just like to say thank you for this experience whilst trying to keep my tea and toast from hitting the computer screen!

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    1. Always good to spread a little cheer, CC!

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    1. Could well be, ER. But you'd have to read it to find out (and I'd have to write it...)

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  7. It has "classic" written all over it.

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    1. Couldn't miss, Rosemary. Would you like to co-write it?

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  9. You couldn't make it up really - oh you did. Wonderful satire Frances.

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    1. Thanks, Maggie. Now all I need is a publisher...

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  10. As a newcomer to nymph-centaured fiction it took me a while to 'twig' that you might just be pulling our legs ... possibly in some S&M stretching device. Nice one!

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  11. Sorry, Frances, but I must be a real saddo because it does nothing for me. I was thankful for real life and what it had to offer. Vicarious sex just doesn't do it for me.

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  12. Oh, GB! And I was going to dedicate it to you, too!

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    1. Oh dear. So that's what you think of me!

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