Actually, my first bestseller, but no matter. This one can't fail.
First of all, my name. I have settled on Randy Trollope (I know there are already two, but you can't have too many Trollopes).
Book title: Fifty Glades for Fay.
This is the (very) erotic tale of a very randy (ha) wood-nymph, who has an affair with an equally randy centaur. They start of with a little foreplay; beatings and ticklings with twigs; that kind of thing. But they rapidly move towards the heavy stuff, so as not to bore the reader.
One of the "glades" is full of instruments of delighful S&M torture, and they make full use of these. They then move on through a succession of ever more exciting/sexy Glades, until they reach The Last Glade; a huge bed of moss and lichen (romantic, eh?). Here, they really get going, He adorns her**** with leaves and flowers, and she does the same to his *******. Then they rub ******s and insert twigs (these two are into twigs) into each other's *******s, and daub their *****s with mud and fircones. She screams. He groans. Ecstasy for both protagonists.
But hold on. Do we hear the sound of hoofbeats?
Enter the anti-hero; a naked wizard (you have to have a wizard in the best of bestsellers), on horseback (the horse is my one indulgence), with the biggest ***** Fay has ever seen, and his wand pointed directly towards her *****. She gasps, and suddenly, disaster! Because the wizard ....
But you'll have to read the book to find out what happens next..
What do you think?