Every town should have one

Ours is called Pete (not his real name, so he isn't called Pete, but you know what I mean) and he lives very near us.

Pete is...odd. He cannot engage in a conversation, but will direct monologues at unuspecting passers-by if they're unwise enough to establish eye contact. He is like the Ancient Mariner with the wedding guest. And once you've been pinned down, you cannot get away.

Pete is a great upholder of the law. He wages a war against people who park in the wrong place, drive badly, allow their dogs to mess the pavements (this is a great favourite) and in general do anything that falls short of blameless.

He is often hard to understand, so eager is he to get his message across, and his diatribes come across a bit like this:

"blah ** DOG MESS!!..blah .. humph!...dog mess...mind out!!..blah**" etc etc.

 At least you are left in no dout as to where the offending faecal deposit has come to rest (on a pavement somewhere near you, usually).

One day, he was particularly agitated, and I stopped to listen to him.

Pete: WINDOW WON'T SHUT!... blah blah... draught! ...blah...told landlord...HASNT' HAD IT FIXED!!!
Me: well, Pete, you're a carpenter (he is). I'm sure you could fix it yourself, couldn't you?
Pete (shocked): but it's my day off!

One other flaw in this argument (apart from the obvious) is that Pete hasn't got a job.

I am quite fond of Pete. I like characters and unusual people. I often wonder whether Pete is unhappy or lonely, but I suspect he's a lot happier than most of us. A neighbour once phoned me because she thought he "should be put away", and I was appalled.

The world would be a poorer place without its Petes.