Tuesday, 30 September 2014

How to be a celebrity...

...or Very Rich Person (VRP):

1. You must be in some kind of entertainment business. Singing, acting, sport etc. Your job is never essential to the wellbeing of mankind. For  example, doctors, teachers etc need not apply.

2. (Women) you must get pregnant, not necessarily within wedlock, and  your bump must be photographed, preferably uncovered, on a beach, with your nether regions just about covered by a tiny bikini bottom.

3. You must be photographed within days of the release of said bump, displaying a washboard flat stomach. Full makeup should be worn, and the new infant draped appealingly over a shoulder. It is essential to give this child a silly name. John, Susan, Jeremy etc need not apply. Friday or Arsenic would be good choices.

4. You must marry at some stage, so that the world can see how much you are able to spend on an obscenely extravagant wedding, preferably lasting about a week. All children of previous relationships welcome.

5. Divorce or separation are not obligatory, but they help. The more acrimonious the better.

6. You are encouraged to marry again (repeat stage 4).

7. Please feel free to share the interiors of your several amazing mansions. These need to be distributed about the globe (ideally, one should be situated in Hollywood). Gold bathtubs optional, but they do help.

8. Other desirable items include several Porsches, private jets, yachts etc, all with appropriate staff to operate them.

You get the idea. BUT to anyone televised sitting in a jungle eating kangaroo testicles and miscellaneous grubs: you've probably missed the boat. Time to get a day job.

21 comments:

  1. I think you are confusing 'Celebrity' with 'Jordan-ism' or 'Beckham-ism'.

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  2. Anyone in a jungle eating kangaroo testicles has probably just opened a tin. You don't get too many kangaroos in jungles.

    I suspect many VRPs are very secretive non-celebrities.

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    1. I thought afterwards that I shouldn't have mentioned the VRPs, as there are some wonderful entrepreneurs such as Bill Gates. Too late now, though...

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    2. I think I meant entrepreneur/philanthropists.

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  3. One of the richest people in Germany, the remaining of the two Albrecht brothers (founders of ALDI), died recently a very old and VERY VERY rich man, Hardly anything was known about his private life, and he never featured in tabloid magazines and TV shows.

    Speaking of silly names for their offspring, you are so right about that!! Poor kids. I wonder if some of them change their names by deed when they are old enough. I'd hate to be called Rainbow Bretzel or something alone those lines.

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    1. I don't know why they do it, Meike.

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    2. Zowie Bowie is now Duncan Jones.

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  4. Sadder than the celebrities who brag about their hedonistic lifestyles are the viewers/readers/voyeurs who find them fascinating. People are happy to go on reality shows, even making fools of themselves, and some have become famous for absolutely zilch talent.
    That was quite a rant from me - I hope it wasn't the green-eyed monster talking!

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    1. Actually, I have to confess I feel a weird fascination for them, although I haven't heard of most of them. I read about them in waiting rooms!

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  5. I could have used your advice forty five years ago. I really wanted to be famous. I really tried but I wasn't coordinated enough or bright enough.

    I am celebrated for my rendition of 'Albert and the Lion'. It works well in pubs. The audience throw empty crisp bags, beer mats and when I'm on top form beer.

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    1. There's still time, Adrian. Keep on with that singing.

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  6. Very well observed! On the subject of baby names…..a friend's daughter has recently named her son "August", and are apparently calling him " Augy"! They are at present residing in New York, so maybe that explains it! Poor child…(he was born in August)

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    1. February would have been worse, especially if he had trouble with his Rs.

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  7. Not sure if it's true, but I've heard tell that people have named their offspring Chlamydia... Sadly it wouldn't surprise me x

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    1. Oh dear. But some poor girls are still called Candida, which isn't much better!

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  8. They're not all like that - but the ones who are, well they're pretty annoying.

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    1. Patsy, you're right. I should have left out the rich, because of really good people like Bill Gates. Next time I'll just stick to the celebrities.

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  9. There is a difference between a celebrity and a very rich person. And a person with real class is probably cash poor. Class, however, is another subject altogether.

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    1. I did say in a rely above that I should have omitted rich and stuck to celebrities, Maggie! But on the whole, the extremely rich tend to be in the world of entertainment (or the best paid).

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    2. Ps I left class out of it. It doesn't seem relevant, does it.

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