Sunday, 12 August 2018

The complicated way to close a window

1 Make sure it’s a recalcitrant sash window. This is important.
2 For this to work, it has to be the lower half that needs closing.
3 Place your fingers over the edge of the window, and push down. You may need to push hard.
4 If you do this properly, your fingers will now be firmly jammed between the two edges of window. This will hurt. A lot.
5 Phone* the neighbours, who need to be out for this to work.
6 Phone the fire brigade.
7 Wait. This will also hurt. Try not to cry (I’m afraid I cried).
8 After a while, two burly firemen will arrive. With a fire engine. Although they don’t need the fire engine.
9 They will release the trapped fingers.
10 Voila! The window is now closed.

*you will need an accomplice for this, unless you have a phone on you.


Saturday, 11 August 2018

For your last hot holiday...


This ad has been banned by London Transport, but I’m afraid it made me laugh (just for the record, I plan to be buried. I’m not a fan of extreme heat).

Thursday, 9 August 2018

And another one....

....courtesy of my granddaughter:

Is water wet?

(I’m not mentioning the fact that it’s publication day for
Ruth Robinson today, as I’ve talked about it quite enough recently.)

Wednesday, 8 August 2018

A question/dilemma/riddle

No.1 son posed this question last week:

If you’re totally immersed in water, are you wet?

Think about it (I did). It’s not as easy as it looks!

Saturday, 4 August 2018

Just a snippet...

My new novel - Ruth Robinson's Year of Miracles - is out on Thursday. The Kindle version is still available at 99p, but will go up after that. There will also be a paperback. Just in case you're interested (please be interested!), I thought I'd give you a taster. Once again, apologies for the advertising. But how else do we get our books out there? Ideas, anyone?
 

                                                 PROLOGUE

 

My Uncle Eric is telephoning the zoo to ask how many Thompson’s gazelles a lion can eat in a fortnight.

 Uncle Silas is stuffing a weasel on the kitchen table by candlelight (we have a power cut).

A respectful knock at the front door heralds the arrival of yet another minibus full of pilgrims hoping for a miracle.

Outside it is raining - a typical, nasty, dank November drizzle - and a piglet is trying to get in through the cat flap.

In the midst of all this, I am trying to cobble together something for our supper (the weasel is being prepared for posterity rather than for consumption).

I pause to take stock.

Six months ago, I had a regular job, a monthly salary and a comfortable flat to go home to.

How on earth have I got into all this?
 
 

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

What is it about knickers?


Official definition/derivation: "The word drawers was invented because underwear for women was drawn on. However in Britain women's underwear were soon called knickerbockers too. In the late 19th century the word was shortened to knickers. In the USA knickers are called panties, which is obviously derived from the word pants (American for trousers)."

How boring is that? However, my most-read posts are the ones with knickers in the heading (closely followed, bewilderingly,  by window cleaners). My most popular of all was "K is for Knickers" (written for the April A to Z challenge in the days when I had time-wasting down to a fine art).

"Pants" isn't nearly as amusing, and as for "panties", that's a word I personally can't stand (I've no idea why).

But why are knickers considered so funny/ fascinating/entertaining?

Just wondering...

Thursday, 19 July 2018

I have a problem with issues

I know I've said it before, but where have all the problems gone? They've all turned magically into "issues". No one has problems any more; just issues. When I have a problem, it's a problem. Are we all in denial? People have knee issues and hip issues and back issues, and teenage children issues. No, no, no! If you have an issue with your knee, it hurts. It's not an issue. It's a problem. And if you have an issue with a teenager, then that's definitely a problem.

Well, isn't it?

(This unimportant post was written to ensure a new password works. If you're not reading it, then the password hasn't worked. I have a big problem - yes, PROBLEM-  with passwords.)