After about thirty years of people patiently explaining, I finally understand the off-side rule, just in time for the big match tomorrow! My helpers have, over the years, tried to explain, usually using salt and pepper pots to demonstrate who stands where when whatever it is happens, but until today it has remained a mystery. But no more!
If anyone would like me to explain, just bring your own salt and pepper and I'll be more than happy to help. I'll even give you a cup of coffee.