Dear Boden,
I don't often buy your clothes, becaue they don't really suit me. I do, however, buy your children's clothes as presents, because they are gorgeous, and have just sent for a pair of shoes in your sale.So far so good.
But do you have to be so ridiculously over the top about it all? When I order something, you go into paroxyms of faux delight, and today I received an exceptionally silly email to tell me: hip hooray! Your order is on its way.... we're shifting heaven and earth to deliver your spotty parcel as soon as possible.
In answer to the last, no you're not. Your packing department are just packing my stuff up, as they always do, and putting it in the post. I don't need all this gratuitous jollity. I'm not a child. I'm a grown-up, with a credit card of my own (you should know that. You've just taken money from it). Moreover, if I don't use you for while, I get plaintive little emails saying how much you miss me. Again, not true. You have no idea who I am (apart from name and credit card). You would just like a bit more of my custom.
Boden, you provide merchandise; I'm a customer. Our relationship is purely professional. Now, get over it.
Yours etc.
