Magpie 308

She held the letter to her lips for a moment, as though reluctant to let it go, wondering whether he would ever receive it. She wasn't even sure where he was at the moment; only that he was fighting for his country, somewhere across the channel, probably cold and afraid and missing her.

But he would be back soon; leave had been mentioned in his last letter, and then they hoped to marry. Childhood sweethearts, they had always meant to marry one day. Why, oh why, had they left it so long? But they'd thought they had time. They hadn't expected this war.

As she dropped the letter into the postbox and turned for home, her head full of thoughts of him and of her love for him, she wasn't to know that at that moment there was a boy on a bicycle making for her house.  A boy holding a yellow telegram....



(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the photo)

Magpie 283

I am the wife of Nanki Poo,
With, sadly, not enough to do.
So I look at flowers
For hours.









(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magie 272

At her twenty week scan, my friend Sadie
Asked the doctor, "what sex is my baby?"
He replied, "what a shock!
Come, do have a look -
You're expecting a fully-grown lady!"


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the photo)

Magpie 262

The tree keeps its secrets.

The young couple walked together hand-in-hand along the woodland path. She marvelled at his knowledge of nature; of birds, trees, flowers. There was so much she still didn't know about him. They had met only recently, but the attraction had been immediate, and she was happy; so, so happy.

They sat on the soft new grass, and she felt its cool dampness through her shorts. The sun  filtered through the leaves, patterning her legs with bright coins of sunlight. A blackbird sang in a sapling nearby. It was such a beautiful day.When they got up to leave, she leant against the tree trunk, and they kissed, his fingers tracing the outline of her forehead, her throat.

They never found her body.

The tree keeps its secrets.


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture.)

Magpie 236 - a Nursery Magpie

Mary had three little moths,
They flew too near the light.
They fried their wings and feelers
(For those moths just weren't that bright).

Mary had a little goat,
She kept it by her bed.
It chewed up Mary's bedside lamp,
And now, the goat is dead.

Mary had a little lamb,
You think you know this rhyme?
You don't. For Mary's parents
Served it up, with mint and thyme.

Mary now has three more moths,
She keeps them in a jar.
She feeds them honey sandwiches.
They're still alive. So far.


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture.)

Magpie 230

Seeing Susan, Felicity said,
"What on earth have you got on your head?"
"Don't you like it?" said Sue,
"Well, I can't afford new,
So it came from the lamp by my bed."


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 212

MODERN ART

"Now, this is Tracy Emin's bed,"
The gallery curator said.
"Next door, you'll find a cow and calf,
Sawn (by Damien Hurst) in half.
These sell for bucket-loads of cash,
But me? I think they're utter trash."


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 195

She had sauvignon blanc, and she drank it.
And was sleeping it off (with a blanket).
She stayed nicely afloat
On her comfortable boat
Till it struck a small steamer, which sank it.

Magpie 187

WHY IT'S A BAD IDEA TO IMPERSONATE AN INSECT

I like to pretend I'm a moth,
But it's not very comfy, becoth
When I cling onto lampth
That are more than two ampth
They make me feel prickly and croth.


(With thanks to Tess at Mapie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 181

The decolletage of Aunt Peg
Is quite something, it's true. But I beg
You to lower your glance
When she does this next dance,
For she has the most elegant leg.

But Aunt Peg, as she tilts her white neck,
Has other ideas, you can bet.
She will dance with the others,
Ee'en lie down for her lovers;
But her sitting she saves for Lautrec.

Magpie 176

The statue of liberty stood on her plinth,
And she dreamed, like Snow White, of a handsome young printh.
She thought that she saw one, (he tried to convinth
Her), but afterwards, vanished. She's not seen him sinth.

So she stands weeping quietly beneath a pink moon,
And she hopes and she prays that her printh will come thoon.

(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 167

CAREER CHOICE

She lay down on a piece of paper,
Head in blue paint, body in pink.
She splashed her arms around a bit
And cried: "Hey! Mother! What d'you think?"

Her mother said, "it just won't sell, dear.
There's too much trashy art around.
You think you can make money? No, dear.
Get a degree. That's best, I've found."

"But Mum, you said I should have something
'To fall back on' -  won't this do?
I fell back on this piece of paper.
I only did it to please you!"


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 166

"Who's ate all the pies, then?"
Said the badger to the rat.
"And as for cakes and jelly, well,
I'd rather eat my hat."

The candles posed a hazard,
Drink was spilt from every cup.
And at the end, nobody stayed
To help with washing-up.

The moral of this tale is clear
And this advice comes free:
If you're entertaining, don't invite
Wild  animals to tea.



(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 161

JACK TRIES TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Most of us, I think you'll find,
Have face in front, and hair behind.
And when we're looking in the glass
Can tell our elbow from our a**e.
But spare a thought for poor old Jack,
Whose front's the image of his back.

(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 149

EPITAPH

A smouldering pile of fag ends
Are all that's left of Jane.
She gave up smoking twice a year
Then took it up again.
And emptying that last ashtray,
We struggle to ease our pain.
But we try to think of it like this;
Our loss is Heaven's gain.

(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 135

THE LAST DANCE

They danced on the ceiling,
They danced on the floor.
When he asked for a breather,
She begged him for more.
She, as high as a kite,
Cried, "no time to relax!"
By the end of the night,
They were flat on their backs.
"Oh get up, you sluggard!"
In fury, she said.
But her words fell on deaf ears.
Her partner was dead.

(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales - and Salvador Dali - for the picture.)

Magpie 132

ROOM TO LET
She said, "this will do,
And it's got a nice view.
But it's big, and, well, bijou it ain't."
He corrected her grammar
And said (with his stammer),
"It just needs some p-p-p-paint."



(The best I could do after a week of visitors. Thanks once again to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture.)

Magpie 131

A LITTLE JAUNT IN THE FOG

"Oh where have you got to, my dear?"
Shouted Bill, "it's so foggy down here.
I told you that boat
Was unlikely to float,
And I fear you've gone over the weir."

Cried his wife, "don't you fret abut me.
I'm just popping down to the sea.
And if I'm still alive
I'll be home around five,
And I'll bring back fresh herrings for tea."

(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 130

They take poor Sue (our latest Mag)
And tie her in a paper bag.
"Get out of that!" they cry, "you have
No map, no knife, and no satnav."
Says she, "no problem. I've a plan.
Get out of this? Of course I can!
The solution is quite simple. It's
A brain, a shell, and knife-sharp tits."



(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)

Magpie 129

THE PERILS OF NON-COMMUNICATION

(HE)
"You're looking so lovely tonight.
Your cheeks glowing pink in the light.
The food and the wine
Are, quite simply, divine.
You're my love, you're my life, my delight."

(SHE)
I might as well be on my own.
You've spent the whole night on your phone.
I couldn't eat dinner
Though I've never been thinner.
Since I met you, I've lost half a stone."


(With thanks to Tess at Magpie Tales for the picture)