A bah humbug Christmas post

I think Christmas would be much improved if:

1. It came once every five years...
2. ....and lasted just three or four hours.
3. All the turkeys were released into the wild, and we could have beef instead.
4. Christmas puddings were set on fire and then left to incinerate.
5. Ditto mince pies.
6. And mulled wine. Mulling good wine spoils it, and mulled bad wine remains...bad wine.
7. Everything came WITH batteries (even the things that don't need batteries; just to be sure).
8. Pretty calendars and smelly candles went straight to Oxfam, without taking the scenic tour via me.
9. Someone somewhere would tell me how/where to store all the cardboard packaging we have accumulated through my obsessive on-line shopping. Re-cycling day was today, and already we are snowed (cardboarded) under.
10. Someone would help me re-package all my shopping mistakes, and take my place in the queue at the post office to post them back.
11. Anyone asking the question "are you ready for Christmas yet?" was trussed up like the above-mentioned turkey, and publicly shamed.
12. Ditto anyone who says "it's all about the children, isn't it?" No, it's not. It's all about ME.

The essential colon

Sometimes, people wonder whether colons and semi-colons are really necessary. Well, take this headline from today's paper, about the difficulties the broadcaster Clare Balding experienced when she told her grandmother she was gay:

Balding: grandma said being gay was disgusting.

Now remove the colon.

See what I mean?

Flash fiction

PEACE

For the first time in twenty-five years, I lie with a soft pillow under my head. After the extremes of heat and cold, in my tiny isolated room, I am comfortably warm. I have just eaten the most delicious meal; one of my own choosing, after years of near-inedible mush. People move around me, touch me (how I have longed for that touch; the human touch of skin against skin!) and talk in low voices, and are kind. Someone smiles at me.

I hardly feel the scratch of the executioner's needle. Soon I will be at peace.

Two beetles on a cupboard

I'm afraid I still  have this tendency to see images in odd places. I don't particularly look for them; they're just there.

We've had this cupboard for years, and suddenly this morning - voila! Two beetles swimming (?) around on its side.

That's all.

Magpie 195

She had sauvignon blanc, and she drank it.
And was sleeping it off (with a blanket).
She stayed nicely afloat
On her comfortable boat
Till it struck a small steamer, which sank it.

Do you believe in guardian angels?

I've never really believed in guardian angels, but recently, I've had a weird feeling that someone somewhere is looking out for  me. I know. It sounds odd. But there have been several incidents in the past few years where what could have  - even should have - been a total disaster have, by a twist of fate (or of angel...?), turned out better than they should have.

Here are three examples:

1. When I hurtled down the stairs ten years ago, head first and not touching a single stair, literally flying from top to bottom, I somehow managed to turn 90% so that I was at right angles to the staircase. Had I not turned, I would have broken my neck on the front door. As it was, I broke my back (bad enough) but I'm still here to tell the tale.

2. When my beloved Titch died while I was out riding him last year, we were going along a quiet country lane. I very nearly took the (busy) road, but decided against at the last minute. Titch went totally ballistic with pain, and we would most certainly have had a horrible accident had we been on the road.

3.Yesterday, I went for a long ride on Fairfax. On the way home,one of  the reins broke (to the uninitiated, this amounts to a brakes failure). We had crossed roads, galloped hard, in fact had an adventurous time, but when the incident happened, we were walking beside a field, with no hazards (and little pressure on the reins). It was pretty hairy, as the only way to stop a horse with one rein is to go round in cicles, and it was very difficult gaining control. But we could have been in the middle of the road, or galloping, and in the latter case, I don't think we would have stopped at all.

Or I suppose I could say that my guardian angel wasn't paying attention in the first place...

Funeral fun

A new funeral directors is/are opening in our town, and gaily advertising an "open day". Hmm. I wonder what exactly they'll be opening? Not one of those, obviously, but still, I confess to being curious.

Wll there be refreshments? This puts me in mind of one of those gallows humour conversations one can have when things have reached rock bottom. Some time ago,  friend of mine (who had suffered appalling losses and bereavements) and I were discussing what refreshments one should offer as a funeral caterer. We came up with such things as 'funeral fancies' and 'coffin and walnut cake', and now I find myself wondering what else might be appropriate. Certainly, a CD of Girls A'shroud could provide the music, but does anyone have any other ideas?

(And  yes, Adrian, I am getting on with the novel. Slowly.)